Hours of sleep: 7h57m

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To be a good artist is to be rich

Sleep update

An unintendedly long rant about Canon in D

I said I wouldn’t make a blog today, but I was so inspired. You know how I’ve been obsessed with Scissor Seven, and hunting down Chinese companies and indie video games. Well you know what – they’re all made by rich people! Are our fates really sealed from the start?

Apparently, every 10k increase in a family’s net worth, there is a 1% greater likelihood of their child becoming an artist. And of course, of the best artists and creators – they hail from rich backgrounds. Wow. I understand.

It’s so hard to understand what kind of upbringing I had, then… In some ways, I came from a very privileged background, and in other ways, I am poorer than anybody I know.. ANYBODY I KNOW?! If you are in a school with other kids whose parents are millionaires, your blue collar and white collar parents are going to seem poor!

And right now, I’m in a much more… “relaxed” school, because of my poor health. And I think, if I were really born rich… I wouldn’t… I wouldn’t have poor health like this, would I?

I’m probably going to delete all my blogs soon… You can save them if you want. It’s because I plan to release a couple of major “projects” (cough, games, cough) that I don’t want associated with my femcel ramblings.

Anyways, I have always “wanted” to be rich, and in many ways, I have always BEEN rich. Is intelligence due to wealth, too? I used to attribute my art skills to neglect. Despite my horrible health conditions… I actually do extremely well for myself in many areas of my life. It’s MY BLOG I’LL HUMBLE BRAG IF I WANT! I am physically fit (not obese), I actually look pretty good after 5 plastic surgeries, even if the last one SUCKS. I picked up coding rather easily, along with a lot of other identifying skills that are generally considered hard… Does that mean I’ve come from a rich background? And when I try to “help” someone, what if their fate was doomed to begin with? Like if I tried to help a less skilled artist – would they have been doomed from the start anyway? Because they lack the mental capacity?

And according to my title, “to be a good artist is to be rich”… it re-invigorates my desire to become a better and better artist – despite being raised, told, that to pursue art is to be poor. WELL I REFUSE! Actually, (this is my blog and I can brag in it) I am the first in the family to be a millionaire. I have a close relative who is also in the creative fields, however, for myself I was berated and torn down for my creative pursuits. It… angers me. I feel that insecurity I battled for a long time is a result of trauma… is a result of poverty… but in many facts and areas of my life, I live the life of a privileged offspring of a rich family – some could say, “we are all children of the richest man in the Universe, God”

That’s another thing… something sp and I both share… We’ve developed our spiritual beliefs. That’s also a leisure afforded to the financially comfortable. It’s hard to imagine.

In some ways, maybe it’s good my wings have been clipped by insomnia. Actually, I’ll make it a point to be grateful every day for something about it – instead of finding a new complaint. For instance, this blog in all its automated glory (I made scripts to create the links and count the words and another script to update the calendar) would not exist if I weren’t mortally afraid of losing my cognitive ability at some point. I wouldn’t have this fire under my ass to make and create – although, I notice – this is to my detriment. One should never create under pressure.

Secondly, another good thing from the insomnia is that I don’t spend frivolously. JUST KIDDING, TODAY I ORDERED INSTACART FOR ALMOND MILK. JUST ALMOND MILK. I felt so guilty about just ordering almond milk (because it’s VERY difficult for me to go outside due to my migraines possibly caused by the surgery) I tacked on some snacks and cleaning supplies. WHOA. AM I RICH?! I also don’t clean my apartment. A housekeeper does it for me.

Despite all this, I can only get in 2 to 4 hours of good art a day; and todays art was in spoiling my sp for his bday. AM I RICH? He knows that the most romantic thing he can say is to promise to support me in my artistic aspiration. My first goal is to be rich enough to support myself – and then pursue art for life. That’s all I want. THAT’S WHAT YOU GET! That’s what happens when you tell your kid they can’t go into art. They just want it even more.

But anyway, I don’t go out, I don’t do rich people stuff like traveling or going to Michelin star restaurants – lord knows my highschool peers do. But you know what is my slice of happiness? Being able to read and explore the depths of my capabilities with this coding and art thing. You know what blog, let’s say it. Let’s affirm that our projects will be a success!

My art didn’t turn out well today, but let’s see if I can get some coding done at least. I like doing something productive every day. It’s almost like, I’m MORE productive now that I’m unemployed. But long ago, under the spell of Lamotrigine though, when I was a NEET I was WAY less productive… I think… I also suffered the turmoil of insecurity and wanting to be liked. YOU IDIOT! BEING UNLIKEABLE WAS YOUR SUPERPOWER! Haha the hemispheres of my brain are fighting again. So basically, now I have a little bit of a physical problem getting in the way (constantly getting dizzy sometimes) but you know what, that’s nothing. And secondly, it’s probably due to the copious amounts of caffeine I drink (1 cup, but my system is VERY WEAK)

So yeah. I’ve always wanted to be rich, way richer than I am. I’ll tell you, I only have about 600k in assets right now. THERE! WHEW! I feel like such a liar when I say I’m a millionaire. Truth is… I had several million a few years ago from an amazing bull-run, but, back then I didn’t know how special that is. I was aiming for 50million. Sheepishly admitting that makes me laugh. Oh you summer child. When you’re aiming for 50 million, 3.3 is very little, and taking out a measly1 million is a “loss”. Well now it’s 5 years later, my vast sums have dwindled, a boot is on my neck – but how many people can say they have 600k in the bank? Well, I live in an apartment; but I’ve converted some of that money into medical treatment but most importantly, getting my degree. And I think given some freetime and good health, I will easily make it back again. That’s what I really want to talk about. I feel insecure that I have “so little.” Old classmates are living in houses and they have closets worth more than everything I own. All I want is to make something with these two hands and to have the health to do it. Such is the battle with chronic illness.

But, I think there are some things outside of my parent’s control that lead to chronic illness. I don’t blame them for everything, not at all. Not even a little. I think they did the best they could. That’s why my sibling and cousins grew up so well; and even then, there are STILL things you can’t control. Even if you are really rich, for example, you cant control dying in a car accident, or getting botulism or something like that.

So I need to make money; I didn’t ask to be born, or to be traumatized as a child, but now I have chronic illness and I need to make money to cure it. Someone less empathetic can say “just get medically assisted suicide, then” of course I am afraid to be a burden on society, and I would never steal. I never asked to be sick – but to be well, I must make boatloads, boatloads and boatloads of money; so that I can relax. So that even if I can only “work” 4 hours, 2 hours or even just 1 hour a day – or if I needed a whole year off… I can…

And reading between the lines, the creator of Scissor Seven, and the creator of Stardew – both had the leisure to take that long of a time off, without needing to provide for anyone. Is it, rich privilege? Or is it… childfree and family planning? I think I have the leisure to live at the poverty line level because I don’t have children depending on me. It feels so good to say whatever I want.

Back when more of my family members were living, I was definitely rich. But, I didn’t think I was rich, because I certainly didn’t wear Chanel or fly in business class. But I never had to look at the price tag of anything either. Now very few people support me, it may even come down to just myself and these two hands and the brain between my ears. That’s why I fight for my health. Look, even if your life is bad… and you didn’t ask to be born… you’re still here so you might as well make the most of it, you know? If anything, you have a RIGHT to be selfish. And there’s no such thing as stealing money – you MAKE money. You produce something of value that people voluntarily choose to trade their money for. So I don’t think making money is a bad thing – in fact, it’s all I want. With money comes being able to afford better treatment, not needing to drag myself to class or work in order to eat. I’ve got to make money.

BUT law of attraction / law of assumption wise – I am going to assume that I will make money. In fact, I am fairly sure I am being lead the way. Call it schizophrenic delusion, but I believe I had this sudden fall in my health, so that I could watch a bunch of anime, and have inspiration pumping through my veins. “I want to make something like that!” Isn’t it crazy? Let’s do it, you know.

Today’s sleep.

I wore my MAD last night, then woke up at 8am (after only 4 hours of sleep) because it hurt my jaws too much. I took it out, and kept sleeping. Oxygenation stayed at 90%+. Good. I can live with that. You can only take things one day at a time, you know? I can’t help but wish I didn’t have sleep apnea. But… let’s just try to make it to next year, you know. So I can walk down the aisle (graduation)

Oh, btw, I said some mean things on the internet today. I’m sorry blog. I’m here to confess my sins. Only after waking up from a trance I realize, there was no need to get so nasty. I was just jittering from caffeine and suffering from yesterday’s sleep deprivation. I wonder… how many people who have been so nasty to me, also lived in so much pain? I need to meditate more, and thus, finish my calendar tracker. It’s not right of me to do that. I have fallen short of my ideals. It’s not the person I am mad at, it was merely my own stress.

In other news, I spent the best part of my day celebrating and spoiling my sp; so by the time I was done and sitting down to draw… nothing came out right. Which frustrated me. It was already late at night, so I didn’t exercise either. So some anons got the brunt of my nastiness. I regret it now. I wish I had just meditated instead. Usually, even when I can’t make any good art, I can at least code. It just takes rote memory. I hear the legally blonde / mean girls quote, “what? Like it’s hard?” Sometimes I really impress myself with the work I’m able to do – coding, art, math, schoolwork whatever. In generally considered hard fields or what other people struggle with. And I smugly hear that quote in my head. What? It’s my blog. I can be honest here if I’d like.

Gosh, I am just thinking about the guy who did Scissor Seven – how he does like, 5 to 10 different roles. But so is the one man army that is Concerned Ape. I think it’s perfectly possible for a person to be good at many things – and in many situations, it HAS to be done by one person. I remember reading it in a book somewhere. Because only that 1 person has the integrated knowledge of all the different perspective and lenses of the idea they want to create. For example, a committee could not create Harry Potter. A committee cannot create Lord of the Rings. Or Game of Thrones. So sometimes, instead of a disadvantage, it’s an advantage to do it all yourself. The one thing I am not good at is music. But… have I really tried? I actually know 1 song on the piano, because I autistically practiced it over and over again on a keyboard in middle school… I think about the sheer diligence I have when I learn something. I don’t even know sheet music. It was one of those light up keyboards, that would light up the note you’re supposed to play. The song is Canon in D. Oh, I forgot, It’s my blog! I can tell you whatever I want, and I won’t be “annoying” you!

Basically, this girl I was really jealous of, and admired, she was so full of light and beauty… She talked about how she loves the song Canon in D and how she recently learned it on the violin. God, she is so magical and wonderful in my memory; and the middle school me was a piece of shit. I was a Peter Griffin, and I will always be a Peter Griffin and I admire that. But anyway, I burned intensely with jealous. “I deserve to know Canon in D too!” I thought. Now, my grandma had always wanted one of her grandkids to know the piano; but… alas it wasn’t me. Not only did my parents not follow through with getting me piano lessons – I also threw a fit whenever I was “forced” to do piano. So they did give me a cheap electronic keyboard – which might also be a reason why I love electronic music, EDM, so much --- but what Asian doesn’t?! So I had a keyboard.

So fueled by jealousy, spite, pure rage, “it’s not fair.. I deserve to know that too…” I learned Canon in D.

And looking back, it’s such stupid kid logic. OF course I wouldn’t know how to play Canon in D, or any of the other songs, because I didn’t have a teacher! I barely could play Etude or whatever the heck that really slow song is. Blue Waltz? Oh, I couldn’t even separate my left hand from my right hand. Ihad to literally muscle memory how to play Canon in D. It’s kind of insane if you think about it. It’s like instead of learning to read, you memorized every sound and image of the word and only for like, Genesis of the Bible. You don’t know what the letter a means, but you know how to say “In the beginning…”

And, why should I deserve to know Canon in D too? That doesn’t make any sense! I was the one who was stubborn and didn’t want to learn piano. I felt that she “had” something great that I deserved to have. That she was special and loved, and I wasn’t. Ah, we come to the crux of why I was such a little troll on the internet. I always felt DENIED DENIED DENIED.

Now, being denied… seems to be a nasty pattern in my life. Nasty as in, right after being denied, I do my DAMNDEST to get back what I was denied. Soemtimes to my detriment, like with this jaw surgery fiasco. But it’s so liberating to talk about it here.

Actually, I wouldn’t even know how to do javascript and html if not for that same feeling of, “wow these girls are rejecting me and closed off and look down on me, because I don’t have a website and I don’t know how to make one – how dare they! I deserve that too!” And here we are. It’s astounding, really. Why can’t I just have the healthy attitude of, “what a cool thing to do, I want to do it too.” I’m getting there though, with lots of meditation and self healing.

Basically, I feel significantly less of that feeling of, “they’re better than me and I’m a stain” when I see someone have something I want, and now I recognize that feeling and know, “oh, it just means they have something I want. I can have it too” and as a normal person would add, “if I work for it.” And work for it I did. I still cannot fucking believe, I memorized every single note of Canon in D, just so I can play it. I bet if you pulled me up to a piano now, I could still play quite a bit of it. And… my grandma didn’t appreciate it. She wanted me to learn Fur Elise. And I did but I didn’t. I learned it the same way I did with Canon in D. Following the notes and memorizing every piece, and starting the recording over again to play it again. HEY. IN SOME WAYS… I DID IT THE HARD WAY DIDN’T I?!? MEMORIZING ALL THE NOTES IS A LOT HARDER THAN READING THEM!

Anyway…

Yeah, same with drawing in perspective. I had the same insecurity of “I don’t deserve to.. I’m not good enough…” so I used to always draw  perspective by hand. In recent history, as I’ve mentioned, I changed that insecure feeling into, “if I’m insecure about this, it means there’s something here I want to learn.” So I learned 3D modeling. What, like it’s hard?

So… now I know 3D modeling… I know 2d illustration – and I’m a damn good illustrator at that – and I know rigging. I know coding… I even know a bit of cloud programing. What next?

That’s why I gave you the whole spiel about Canon in D. The one aspect of game dev I don’t have a handle on is music – and I have no background in music… I know Canon in D. *laughs* Oh, despite what it may seem on my blog I know storytelling too, and in some parts of the internet my writing flourishes.

WHY?! Why would you relegate me to a 9 to 5? !First of all, my health is too weak to do that. Second, I feel like there is something great I want to make. There is greatness in me. Not like, in a “I’m better than you” or “I’m better than a 9 to 5 way” but that it would be a waste, I feel that I can truly make something really, really wonderful. I absolutely believe in it. And I feel that way with… dare I say it… my best friend, too. When she believes she can make something truly wonderful, I truly think she has the intelligence for it. Why, why did capitalism shackle us! Why couldn’t we be born with silver spoons? But perhaps it’s not too late! It is the springtime of youth. Now that it is summer and my junior year of college is over… I feel the springtime of youth. Ideas are bursting in my head all the time. I am more productive than I’ve been in a while. Perhaps such is the stress free, plus the knowledge to create. And confidence. I am on my way to “making it.”

Now, there are also rich kids… who just… don’t make anything of themselves. It’s a shock, really. They have all the money at their dispoal, and choose to buy purses and have babies. But, I can’t look down on them – perhaps it gives them the most pleasure and joy. I want… I want to create something. To own something. To say that it is mine – oh wait, I guess that’s why some people have kids. *laughs*

Anyway, time to listen to the intro of season 3 of Scissor Seven again.

If SP really fulfills his promise that he will support my art career (to the end of time?! Till one of us dies? For now it’s just 1 year) but if it were for… the rest of my life.. or until it takes off and I can support myself fully (yes I have 600k but 3% dividends on that puts me at the poverty line, yet in total assets I am the 1%, yet with my poor health I can’t work so I feel poor)  If he REALLY fulfills his promise (which I am scared to fully believe just yet) just… wow… imagine.. but a little worm in my ear chirps, “what about the trad wives who trusted their husbands, then got cheated on divorced and left with a 20 year gap on their resume?”

But… well I won’t have kids to support, first of all, that is a logistical reason. Second… wouldn’t the GREATER risk be dying and never knowing what you are truly capable of, because you were so busy living hand to mouth? Maybe I will take that risk, that 1 year. And if my health gets better, I wouldn’t have only 2 to 4 hours of lucidity a day, I could have 8 to 10. WOW. Imagine the things I could create with that kind of energy! If anything, I bet my energy would MULTIPLY if I were doing fulfilling and meaningful work. The only “jobs” I’ve had, like the crypto and the art thing – I made a lot of money in ! so imagine if I didn’t have this burden of, “YOU NEED TO GRADUATE” monkey on my back. Well, once I graduate. I’ll truly be free. Once I have 4 mil, I’ll truly be free. Once my health recovers, I’ll truly be free. SHUT UP! You’re FREE NOW. LIVE IN THE STATE OF THE WISH FULFILLED DUMMY! You always say, once this then you’ll be free. Once you get your surgery, the insecurity about your face won’t stop you from art. Well now, the complications from surgery stops you from art! Once you have a boyfriend, you won’t be complaining about being single. Miss self aware, don’t you see, your brain is scared and always invents an excuse! THE TIME IS NOW!

I also recognize it’s the vitamin D and magnesium and sweet summer sun coursing through my veins that allows me to boldly proclaim and believe the time is now. I’m not “Too young” or “too poor” to make my magnum opus. I’ll finish what I start (my prequel to my magnum opus) and goddammit blog, BY GOD DAMMIT, I will… I WILL MAKE MY GAME!

That season 3 opening is something else.

Let me also push myself to the limits! LETME ALSO JOIN YOU! LET ME ALSO DO SOMETHING TO THE MAXIMUM OF MY ABILITIES, TO BURN THE WICK OF MY SOUL TO ITS LAST EMBER, TO BE A BRIGHT LIGHT

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Okay. Shounen is TOO stimulating lmfao

But anyway, anyway. Let’s actually do something tonight. I know there is ONE PATH to success, and it’s meditation and DNRS. That’s why I made you, dear blog. Your existence is a habit tracker. My game (s) are a habit tracker. This was my destiny. My prodessor HATES PRODUCTIVITY GAMES BUT HE HASN’T PLAYED MINE YET. ILL MAKE YOU CRYYYYY

Don’t you see? There are no limits.

God, when I think about my “magnum opus game” I swear my heart pounds faster and my lifespan gains another day. I have been getting WILD, INCREDIBLE, AMAZING ideas for it. But first, we gotta graduate, and we gotta finish miss Prequel because *points finger* we finish what we start. And I don’t want ANYTHING on my plate when I sit down to make *HER*. Or IT. We need a name other than Magnum Opus. NO, but I truly believe, it’s going to be so fantastic, movies will be made of it. TRULY! You’re watching me now, aren’t you. “bitch who can’t even draw more than 2 hours a day and yelled an an anon on the internet today thinks she’ll get a blockbuster out of her headcanon? How many times have you heard nodevs tell this story?”

I SWEAR. I don’t even need to SWEAR. I *KNOW* I KNOW I HAVE IT IN ME. That’s what the prequel is all about. I said I would make it, and I will. Just like I’ve said I’d have a website, and I did. I do what I say, bitch, that’s why we never lie. So that even when we do lie to ourselves “I’m going to be great” it becomes the truth.

Okay, time to code! (yes it’s 1am but I want to code)

And with the sleep news, it really does suck, but I sometimes get insomnia because I’m afraid of pain and choking in my sleep. So there you have it. Ugh.